major ramble

i am pretty sure i am gonna regret ever typing this down, but since this place has generally seen me childish and embarrassing, figured it wouldn't matter. and also since, i am happily the only reader of my own thoughts...


it is really and i mean REALLY hard for me to let people "into" my life. meaning i like them and trust them enough to actually tell them stuff that matters to me etc. i almost never ever reveal my true feelings.

and this, i thought would make me a lot less dependent on other humans. i don't need to call someone everytime i feel like crying over stuff or whenever i feel so stressed. i mean, i do randomly communicate at random intervals to people when i feel lonely, but i would like to think that i am perfectly capable of managing my emotions.

boy, was i wrong.

sucks to know that the mere fact that someone you actually care about doesn't anymore. and i refer to "care" in the loosest sense of the word.

so i decided to come here and analyse my feelings.
why do i feel sad, like i lost somebody forever?
i need to stop over thinking. i will take everything at face value.
a "hi" will just mean a "hi" and a smile will just mean a casual smile. nothing more; nothing less.

i am going to stop second guessing things like a lack of reply, or an overly enthusiastic response.
makes things easier. unless someone screams into my face what they are thinking or what they want me to do/say, i am gonna not read anything into "hints".

UGH.

all this unnecessary emotional thoughts when i should be studying hardcore as exams loom dangerously near.


:( sadness is just a feeling. it will go away soon enough. (just like happiness does too)

being vulnerable is a terrible, terrible feeling and i hate it. it means that your emotions tend to depend on someone's behaviour. that is the scariest kind of dependency on a person. letting them have full control of something that is so personal to you, your feelings.
it's the only thing i consciously shun. unless that person is worth it enough. someone who is REALLY worth it.

okay point is, i want everything to be well and there are only 2 things related to that.
haha i hope i remember the 2 things i am talking about when i read this years to come~