red blood

so maybe it is now time to shed the stoic image

I am now painfully aware of the fact that my future is not that bright after all. I finally understand the whole fuss about 'do not rest on your laurels' although there have been no 'laurels' per se, but overcoming certain obstacles in the past is definitely no trump card for a bright future.

I mean, i should take comfort in the fact that even now things are within my control (albeit, to a limited extent) and I can change things to hopefully get a glimpse of a more palatable future but ...

don't even know what to say/do/think anymore. confiding and seeking help only makes me more vulnerable, only makes everything seem more real than ever. Now I know the tragedy of this situation, and letting someone else know just makes it doubly true.

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and then I have extraneous thoughts that distract me to no end. thoughts that uselessly unleash fluttery beings in my tummy and make the corners of my lip curl lightly. but thoughts that will probably only remain in this mind, as pure imagination :(

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have told myself two million times to NOT let external factors/influence make me feel any lousier than I already do.
'nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission' RMB!!!!
But then i am clearly not at peace with myself (at war!!!!!!). anyhow, it would be wise for my mental well-being to rmb that I should focus on things that I have control over. FOCUS DAMN HARD ON THOSE THINGS.
and just hope/pray for external factors to go along smoothly. why worry incessantly about things I cant control over? Like the weather, strangers, friends etc.

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it would be nice if i could influence a certain factor though ;)
sigh, why do i even try.