At Your Mercy

oh my, blogger has changed so drastically. Have been a little TOO busy to document my life online, pour out feelings and type rubbish out. Feels like these weeks have slipped away a little too fast. AND I HAVE LEARNT SO FRIGGING MUCH.

My growth curve as a human, a law student, and an intern has been pretty steep and I am so, so thankful for the experiences that I feel, are moulding me into a wiser soul. firstly, I cannot be any more thankful to God.

I have been battling a constant feeling of worthlessness for the whole of this semester. That is the worst feeling ever. NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING can cure it if you don't start believing in yourself. Compliments, kind and genuine words from friends/family/strangers couldn't make me feel any better about myself. BUT now it's all over!!!!! I feel really happy, glad and cannot be more grateful for EVERYTHING in life :) :) :) :)
Thank You, for making me believe in myself again.

 Internship has been a mind-blowing experience. Especially as a human. I realise what a privileged, sheltered life I have been leading. bloody spoilt. Not that its something I dislike, I am eternally grateful for my life.

But just that I should NEVER, EVER be so quick to judge people while I sit up here on this little 'ivory tower'. That's really how I feel. Far away from the harsh truths and practicalities that some souls face in this world.
 AM NEVER, EVER GONNA MAKE STUPID, RASH, HARSH JUDGMENTS ABOUT ANY ACCUSED/CRIMINAL w/o understanding the full picture.
 I read the case files, see the clients walk in and out and hear their stories. I am not justifying/defending criminal behaviour at all. Illegal mean illegal. Doesn't matter whether you are rich, poor, smart, uneducated etc. But I just wonder that if I were in the same position as a certain individual who may not have a life as good as most of us (eg. abandoned my family, self-esteem crushed, financial woes, no support system, no faith, no education, no relevant information, no love etc) might I have possibly done the same?

 I mean it's so important to realise that obv with the wonderful life I have, I wouldn't even dream of doing acts that are illegal/immoral. But that's because it's very clear to me. it's in white and black - right and wrong. But for a lot of other individuals, when it is a matter of life and death, it isn't so easy.

 And I then I look at this particular lawyer, who spends all his time handling clients who struggle to pay legal fees and I see him try his best to take on and defend clients whom he believes deserves a lighter sentence etc. (not arguing that the client is not guilty, but jut mitigating the harshness of the sentence) I see him asking the court to assign the case back to him in the event the client cant afford to hire him as counsel anymore.

And I feel so touched, because I see him working hard to protect/save someone's life. I see the different parts of our society, I see the divorce case files and I see the drama that unfolds behind closed doors in certain homes.

I see that law/life/humans can't be so easily categorised. We are all shades of colours and I should never compartmentalise matters so easily. I feel like I am changing. It's all relative. Morals. lifestyle, upbringing everything.

 I feel like I need to talk/interact/communicate with all kinds of individuals to understand how they view the world. I feel like it helps me view the world a little better somehow. That's the most incoherent wordy post ever but I dont have much time and I wanted to type all these down quickly before I forget them. <3 <3

Was completely oblivious to the photo taking, but i really like it. For once, I look somewhat important. ESP compared to my utter aunty-like behaviour. and one night where friends took turns to laugh at me and my man shoes. So unglam is how I roll. wear court attire with slippers and then wear horrible female heels outside the office. or wear man shoes and worry everyone who witnesses this fashion disaster but a comfort miracle. MAN SHOES FOR LIFE!!!  man shoes plus untucked white shirt plus baggy baggy black pants(With zip currently broken) and a black bag slung across the shoulders and i look so much like a factory worker. I LOVE IT.

THAILAND JOY. THAILAND WITH FAMILY AND BEER AND SNORKELING AND STICKY MANGO RICE JOY. ABSOLUTE JOY. 

SEXY MOTHERPUCKER HEHE

AM NOW AN OFFICIAL INDIAN AUNTY WHO EATS INDIAN FOOD DURING LUNCH AND READS TABLA NEWSPAPER AND FEELS TIRED EASILY. MEOW

gj.

LOVE THIS POEM (makes me feel serene somehow) not morbid, just lovely

 Before by Carl Adamshick

 I always thought death would be like traveling in a car,
moving through the desert,
the earth a little darker than sky at the horizon,
that your life would settle like the end of a day
and you would think of everyone you ever met,
that you would be the invisible passenger,
quiet in the car, moving through the night,
forever, with the beautiful thought of home.