major ramble

i am pretty sure i am gonna regret ever typing this down, but since this place has generally seen me childish and embarrassing, figured it wouldn't matter. and also since, i am happily the only reader of my own thoughts...


it is really and i mean REALLY hard for me to let people "into" my life. meaning i like them and trust them enough to actually tell them stuff that matters to me etc. i almost never ever reveal my true feelings.

and this, i thought would make me a lot less dependent on other humans. i don't need to call someone everytime i feel like crying over stuff or whenever i feel so stressed. i mean, i do randomly communicate at random intervals to people when i feel lonely, but i would like to think that i am perfectly capable of managing my emotions.

boy, was i wrong.

sucks to know that the mere fact that someone you actually care about doesn't anymore. and i refer to "care" in the loosest sense of the word.

so i decided to come here and analyse my feelings.
why do i feel sad, like i lost somebody forever?
i need to stop over thinking. i will take everything at face value.
a "hi" will just mean a "hi" and a smile will just mean a casual smile. nothing more; nothing less.

i am going to stop second guessing things like a lack of reply, or an overly enthusiastic response.
makes things easier. unless someone screams into my face what they are thinking or what they want me to do/say, i am gonna not read anything into "hints".

UGH.

all this unnecessary emotional thoughts when i should be studying hardcore as exams loom dangerously near.


:( sadness is just a feeling. it will go away soon enough. (just like happiness does too)

being vulnerable is a terrible, terrible feeling and i hate it. it means that your emotions tend to depend on someone's behaviour. that is the scariest kind of dependency on a person. letting them have full control of something that is so personal to you, your feelings.
it's the only thing i consciously shun. unless that person is worth it enough. someone who is REALLY worth it.

okay point is, i want everything to be well and there are only 2 things related to that.
haha i hope i remember the 2 things i am talking about when i read this years to come~

"life isn't about finding yourself; its about creating yourself"

this semester deserves more pictures in myphone at least.

so everything DOES happen for a reason. the bad times have taught me well enough to learn and move on~

interactions with people are the best lessons at times. especially if they are the right kind of people :)

am always, always constantly humbled by certain people. they make me want to be so much better, to let go of my unnecessary inhibitions, to push myself further, to be the kindest person, to be genuine and loving, to be impartial, to not judge harshly etc.

<3 p="p">
ahha i always come here to gush about the fantastic humans i have had a chance to interact with. lol
cos i cannot gush about this to anyone without getting some kind of unwarranted comment about whether this is a crush etc.
this is just me being awed by personality traits that i wish i had.
but eh ma gawdddddd seriously~~~~~~~~~~~~

SELF-IMPROVEMENT FTW

hope this sem ends well!!!!!

a casual sunday afternoon

life happens way too fast.

I really, really want to remember today. 

Am thankful for this extremely,amazing support system that fills me up with love and joy :) 

Having one of the happiest conversations, with our limbs hanging about carelessly.

talking about the dreams and successes and the seemingly impossible.

you guys fill me up with such great hope, energy and inspiration. am realising this even more now, since i only get to come back to this paradise during weekends. 

i will always want to remember this, so that if i am ever in a conflicted position to make a choice, i should remember that there is nothing like family.

in the midst

WHAT a week and its only wednesday.

life about to take a very drastic turn, if things get confirmed.

I am learning so, so much about life/perspectives and not-so-much in terms of legal knowledge :s

2 mid terms came and went and am very disappointed with the effort and my attempt with the paper.

there is literally NO POINT even thinking about them (pardon me, first mid term in uni ever). hate this feeling of "oh, i def could have done alot better because i know my potential" URGHAHHH.

- and wow wow wow. new friend. new perspective. your discipline is so darn incredible.

NEED TO WORK ON DISCIPLINE.
(my eternal optimism is the only thing that prevents me from becoming a total self-obsessed wreck)

(my ego is dangerous. i am appalled.)

immature

am so damn immature! ashamed!
exam tmr!
finished one today! did very badly! feeling very sad and worthless!
constant feeling of inadequacy! constant thinking of why can't i be really bright!
clearly measures self-value based on alphabets/numbers!
need to destress before tmr's paper!

need to grow up! was ready to forsake a friendship so easily! am such a late bloomer!
taking too long to realise life lessons!

will become a better person!
will learn to be happy with myself! including shortcomings!
will stop wishing to be smarter/brighter/wittier/braver!
will learn to embrace myself! strengths and weaknesses!
but strengths are hard to find now!
need to work on so many things!
DONE!!!!!!!!!!

humans are fantastic

i am constantly humbled by the people who surround me.

recent habit of mine to observe behaviour patterns of  people in general.

you dont even say it but your attitude teaches me so much already. that you can achieve anything you want by working hard enough. and if you are not getting what you want, then it just means you didn't work hard enough.

(it can be sad that you have to put in more effort than others but we should be thankful always for what we have. working hard is within my control, being intelligent isnt.)

thank you, for teaching me this. law of nature will not ever change. thank you, you inspire :)

also, another soul. for teaching me to never be so harsh in judgments. humans are so complex - they are more than their looks, clothes, exterior appearances and definitely more than just their facebook profile. while certain things may reflect their personality, it is important to be open minded all the time.

it's something i constantly struggle with. I put labels, I distance myself from people who don't seem like my 'type'. my childish behaviour still haunts me but i am consciously trying to change. giving others a chance and giving myself the chance to get to know and understand another soul better.

(Not nice to be the world's most guarded soul ever. But so far, nobody has been able to hurt me or make me feel too damn sad/bad because i never managed to let people in and see my vulnerability.)
(stoic but trying to open up still)

will always be second class. struggling very hard(especially this semester) to prove my self-worth to myself. everyone has their own self-esteem issues and nothing will help this except satisfying oneself with whatever it takes.
i know right now, i am not happy/not content enough with what i have been doing.

and the perfect quote that has been motivating me this week is " i am bound to live up to the light that i have"

and indeed, i shall.

liberation

This is probably not a good time, but I feel this is necessary.

Am exhausted to the maximum level. But I cannot feel more content right now.

Have graciously accepted so many things in life, and I feel thoroughly liberated from the constant 'what will they think of me' rubbish.

I am doing what I want to do. Whatever I want to do. The freedom is liberating, it is intoxicating.
There is tingling feeling of nervousness because every result will be the consequence of my own action.

I am growing up.

I am content :-)

But most importantly, I am grateful.

GRATITUDE.

(ooh first post from hall and away from home)

what am i

tell me what is wrong

(why shun signs of affection)
(what does that even mean? what do they even mean?)

let me be
(for a while, till i feel comfortable enough. till it is actually time.)

vicissitudes

to feel discontent with oneself.
to feel discontent with a third person.

the harsh reality of understanding that a person will not behave the way that they ought to be behaving.


(there is a little less love in this world for me. I feel it. a clear, solid reminder of how money isn't everything after a certain point in life. the importance of reminding yourself not too be greedy after awhile.)

:( :( :(

HOLLLLLLA DAY

you always reap what you sow. law of nature~ hasn't changed in a million year :)

flying off tonight! growin up~
because goodbyes are now a lot easier

despite my nasty nasty cold, hope all goes well. we must squeeze in as much reckless fun w/o compromising on safety. calculated risks!!

forcing myself to get hyped up. inability to get crazy ass excited (with yelling&jumping) has been worrying. must be signs of aging :( 

love

THESE FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS NEED TO BE RECORDED NOW~

'friends are the family that you can choose'

but i know, by heart, i would choose this very family and the very adequate close friends over and over again.

I cannot ever be more grateful for the handful but more than sufficient souls whom I love so dearly and care about quite sincerely <3

Thank you.

to be good enough

the careful balance between humility and good self-esteem.

second chances

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the most wonderful, kind, inspiring human being I know.

Here is to many, many more decades of casual naps on your lap :) 

Love you always, and I am forever indebted to you for working hard to provide me the perfect life and the perfect love a daughter could ever, ever have. 

slice of my alien cheesecake, which did taste 'out of the world'ish :) :) 

a nice, apt reminder from a bro :) 

real teeth vs fake teeth

thank you, for teaching me so much by just doing what you do <3 

ELLEN'S DANCE DARE AT ITS BEST. YOU ARE AMAZING.

NEVER WILL I FIND SUCH A FUN, LOVABLE SOUL LIKE YOU <3 <3

have been feeling all sorts of positive emotions :) I like people who make me feel alive, who remind me to live by the moment. to let loose, and be uninhibited. I like that feeling. 

And a random sentence that i like very much: "write to feed your own soul" 

even though i am not blessed with the ability to write beautifully for the world to appreciate, i can write/form/create sentences to "enrich my own soul". as pretentious as that may sound, i like it.  

need to work on self-discipline so much. half my wardrobe does not even fit me any more. 

SHOTS

Iphone has turned me into a camera obsessed/app crazy pic taking soul <3 

Will give thanks all day everyday :) :) :)

oh, morality

whoa.

I think my fear of talking about things that truly matter is detrimental to my health. 

whenever there is a mention of future or anything serious, i joke and say inappropriate things to wiggle out of the conversation and move the focus away from me.

it gets scary. I realise I am never comfortable enough, most of the time. I think it is the most common fear that saying things out loud will make it seem more real :( 

it hit me so hard today. i need to learn to accept that i am a flawed soul. and my issues should be addressed sooner or later.

i will learn to correct all these flaws. I will and I shall. 

Remember

Something that I want to remember for myself.

I shall never let anything define me
Not friends, family, grades, accomplishments, looks, skin colour, race, religion, sexuality,wealth, health, fame etc

(never to be bound by labels)
be human, be alive, feel alive
live. live hard.

At Your Mercy

oh my, blogger has changed so drastically. Have been a little TOO busy to document my life online, pour out feelings and type rubbish out. Feels like these weeks have slipped away a little too fast. AND I HAVE LEARNT SO FRIGGING MUCH.

My growth curve as a human, a law student, and an intern has been pretty steep and I am so, so thankful for the experiences that I feel, are moulding me into a wiser soul. firstly, I cannot be any more thankful to God.

I have been battling a constant feeling of worthlessness for the whole of this semester. That is the worst feeling ever. NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING can cure it if you don't start believing in yourself. Compliments, kind and genuine words from friends/family/strangers couldn't make me feel any better about myself. BUT now it's all over!!!!! I feel really happy, glad and cannot be more grateful for EVERYTHING in life :) :) :) :)
Thank You, for making me believe in myself again.

 Internship has been a mind-blowing experience. Especially as a human. I realise what a privileged, sheltered life I have been leading. bloody spoilt. Not that its something I dislike, I am eternally grateful for my life.

But just that I should NEVER, EVER be so quick to judge people while I sit up here on this little 'ivory tower'. That's really how I feel. Far away from the harsh truths and practicalities that some souls face in this world.
 AM NEVER, EVER GONNA MAKE STUPID, RASH, HARSH JUDGMENTS ABOUT ANY ACCUSED/CRIMINAL w/o understanding the full picture.
 I read the case files, see the clients walk in and out and hear their stories. I am not justifying/defending criminal behaviour at all. Illegal mean illegal. Doesn't matter whether you are rich, poor, smart, uneducated etc. But I just wonder that if I were in the same position as a certain individual who may not have a life as good as most of us (eg. abandoned my family, self-esteem crushed, financial woes, no support system, no faith, no education, no relevant information, no love etc) might I have possibly done the same?

 I mean it's so important to realise that obv with the wonderful life I have, I wouldn't even dream of doing acts that are illegal/immoral. But that's because it's very clear to me. it's in white and black - right and wrong. But for a lot of other individuals, when it is a matter of life and death, it isn't so easy.

 And I then I look at this particular lawyer, who spends all his time handling clients who struggle to pay legal fees and I see him try his best to take on and defend clients whom he believes deserves a lighter sentence etc. (not arguing that the client is not guilty, but jut mitigating the harshness of the sentence) I see him asking the court to assign the case back to him in the event the client cant afford to hire him as counsel anymore.

And I feel so touched, because I see him working hard to protect/save someone's life. I see the different parts of our society, I see the divorce case files and I see the drama that unfolds behind closed doors in certain homes.

I see that law/life/humans can't be so easily categorised. We are all shades of colours and I should never compartmentalise matters so easily. I feel like I am changing. It's all relative. Morals. lifestyle, upbringing everything.

 I feel like I need to talk/interact/communicate with all kinds of individuals to understand how they view the world. I feel like it helps me view the world a little better somehow. That's the most incoherent wordy post ever but I dont have much time and I wanted to type all these down quickly before I forget them. <3 <3

Was completely oblivious to the photo taking, but i really like it. For once, I look somewhat important. ESP compared to my utter aunty-like behaviour. and one night where friends took turns to laugh at me and my man shoes. So unglam is how I roll. wear court attire with slippers and then wear horrible female heels outside the office. or wear man shoes and worry everyone who witnesses this fashion disaster but a comfort miracle. MAN SHOES FOR LIFE!!!  man shoes plus untucked white shirt plus baggy baggy black pants(With zip currently broken) and a black bag slung across the shoulders and i look so much like a factory worker. I LOVE IT.

THAILAND JOY. THAILAND WITH FAMILY AND BEER AND SNORKELING AND STICKY MANGO RICE JOY. ABSOLUTE JOY. 

SEXY MOTHERPUCKER HEHE

AM NOW AN OFFICIAL INDIAN AUNTY WHO EATS INDIAN FOOD DURING LUNCH AND READS TABLA NEWSPAPER AND FEELS TIRED EASILY. MEOW

gj.

LOVE THIS POEM (makes me feel serene somehow) not morbid, just lovely

 Before by Carl Adamshick

 I always thought death would be like traveling in a car,
moving through the desert,
the earth a little darker than sky at the horizon,
that your life would settle like the end of a day
and you would think of everyone you ever met,
that you would be the invisible passenger,
quiet in the car, moving through the night,
forever, with the beautiful thought of home.

abnormal

Okay, so I went to see a counsellor today after the doctor visit (which was necessary because I had to walk out of my exam half-way yesterday.) so these are all things that have never happened to me before, and me experiencing all these 'unusual things' for the first time. BUT NO. today my mom tells me that my parents brought me to see a psychologist when i was young because i was doing strange things like cutting my hair with scissors (how is this strange??)and other weird things (that she cannot remember but things which prompted them to bring me to the hospital) WOW MASSIVE REVELATION. HOW COME I DONT REMEMBER? i remember breaking my chin after intense jumping from benches, i remember climbing all surfaces, i remember getting yelled at for wearing nail polish to school, i remember standing in front of the class for the whole lesson because the teacher thought i was being cheeky (it was a major misunderstanding)i remember 'running away' for a few hours, i remember stealing trivial things, i remember doing awful things with my classmate's artwork, i remember getting sent out of class for changing the wall-paper during computer class, i remember breaking a necklace that belonged to the school and running around finding a replacement, i remember my mom being furious because she got a warning letter from the police because i made prank calls to them (and 995. haha this is my most favorite badass memory) (most importantly, all those incidents that took place in singapore involved some higher authority scarring my childhood memories with unwarranted scoldings :S ) strict disciplinarian system is unkind to 'not-so-obedient' children. and i was nowhere near being truly mischievous. BUT PSYCHOLOGIST SERIOUSLY? pretty sure someone random person must have told my folks that I was not 'normal' UGH. but i am not. if normal is conforming to THIS society's normal standards, i am definitely not. meow, small society problems. unable to conform problems. not intelligent problems. too weird problems.

mandatory

the customary exam post.

the body craves sleep and the eye is begging for some rest. but there are hundreds of pages of notes waiting to be read... for the first time.

Okay, point of this post was to remember today. Felt very loved in general<3 a very, nice feeling even though my brain tells me that i probably dont deserve it. but i am thankful. for humans near and far. i am content; i am content that i have managed to grow and maintain my friendships :)

thought of my grandfather and how amazing he was.

perhaps you dont have to change the world or make yourself famous and help tons of people; as long as you can make a solid difference in someone's life, your life on this earth would have been a meaningful one. inspiring humans.

(never let the world make your heart cold)

maybe i am not ready~

it takes alot of strength and a great effort to believe that everything happens for the best.

I am happy, to have a support group. I am happy that I am slowly learning to open up.
It is tiring to put up a strong front all the time. the happy, strong, 'my life is perfect' facade.

Crossing my fingers for the next few months to be fantastic. I have plans all drawn up in my mind.
It is about time, I get down to action to work on my life.

20 is the age where one should be energized, at the peak of youth with energy and endless optimism (still mired in reality) to face the world. I want to be that 20 year old. I want to look back on this year, and be really really content and amazed :)