Remember

Something that I want to remember for myself.

I shall never let anything define me
Not friends, family, grades, accomplishments, looks, skin colour, race, religion, sexuality,wealth, health, fame etc

(never to be bound by labels)
be human, be alive, feel alive
live. live hard.

At Your Mercy

oh my, blogger has changed so drastically. Have been a little TOO busy to document my life online, pour out feelings and type rubbish out. Feels like these weeks have slipped away a little too fast. AND I HAVE LEARNT SO FRIGGING MUCH.

My growth curve as a human, a law student, and an intern has been pretty steep and I am so, so thankful for the experiences that I feel, are moulding me into a wiser soul. firstly, I cannot be any more thankful to God.

I have been battling a constant feeling of worthlessness for the whole of this semester. That is the worst feeling ever. NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING can cure it if you don't start believing in yourself. Compliments, kind and genuine words from friends/family/strangers couldn't make me feel any better about myself. BUT now it's all over!!!!! I feel really happy, glad and cannot be more grateful for EVERYTHING in life :) :) :) :)
Thank You, for making me believe in myself again.

 Internship has been a mind-blowing experience. Especially as a human. I realise what a privileged, sheltered life I have been leading. bloody spoilt. Not that its something I dislike, I am eternally grateful for my life.

But just that I should NEVER, EVER be so quick to judge people while I sit up here on this little 'ivory tower'. That's really how I feel. Far away from the harsh truths and practicalities that some souls face in this world.
 AM NEVER, EVER GONNA MAKE STUPID, RASH, HARSH JUDGMENTS ABOUT ANY ACCUSED/CRIMINAL w/o understanding the full picture.
 I read the case files, see the clients walk in and out and hear their stories. I am not justifying/defending criminal behaviour at all. Illegal mean illegal. Doesn't matter whether you are rich, poor, smart, uneducated etc. But I just wonder that if I were in the same position as a certain individual who may not have a life as good as most of us (eg. abandoned my family, self-esteem crushed, financial woes, no support system, no faith, no education, no relevant information, no love etc) might I have possibly done the same?

 I mean it's so important to realise that obv with the wonderful life I have, I wouldn't even dream of doing acts that are illegal/immoral. But that's because it's very clear to me. it's in white and black - right and wrong. But for a lot of other individuals, when it is a matter of life and death, it isn't so easy.

 And I then I look at this particular lawyer, who spends all his time handling clients who struggle to pay legal fees and I see him try his best to take on and defend clients whom he believes deserves a lighter sentence etc. (not arguing that the client is not guilty, but jut mitigating the harshness of the sentence) I see him asking the court to assign the case back to him in the event the client cant afford to hire him as counsel anymore.

And I feel so touched, because I see him working hard to protect/save someone's life. I see the different parts of our society, I see the divorce case files and I see the drama that unfolds behind closed doors in certain homes.

I see that law/life/humans can't be so easily categorised. We are all shades of colours and I should never compartmentalise matters so easily. I feel like I am changing. It's all relative. Morals. lifestyle, upbringing everything.

 I feel like I need to talk/interact/communicate with all kinds of individuals to understand how they view the world. I feel like it helps me view the world a little better somehow. That's the most incoherent wordy post ever but I dont have much time and I wanted to type all these down quickly before I forget them. <3 <3

Was completely oblivious to the photo taking, but i really like it. For once, I look somewhat important. ESP compared to my utter aunty-like behaviour. and one night where friends took turns to laugh at me and my man shoes. So unglam is how I roll. wear court attire with slippers and then wear horrible female heels outside the office. or wear man shoes and worry everyone who witnesses this fashion disaster but a comfort miracle. MAN SHOES FOR LIFE!!!  man shoes plus untucked white shirt plus baggy baggy black pants(With zip currently broken) and a black bag slung across the shoulders and i look so much like a factory worker. I LOVE IT.

THAILAND JOY. THAILAND WITH FAMILY AND BEER AND SNORKELING AND STICKY MANGO RICE JOY. ABSOLUTE JOY. 

SEXY MOTHERPUCKER HEHE

AM NOW AN OFFICIAL INDIAN AUNTY WHO EATS INDIAN FOOD DURING LUNCH AND READS TABLA NEWSPAPER AND FEELS TIRED EASILY. MEOW

gj.

LOVE THIS POEM (makes me feel serene somehow) not morbid, just lovely

 Before by Carl Adamshick

 I always thought death would be like traveling in a car,
moving through the desert,
the earth a little darker than sky at the horizon,
that your life would settle like the end of a day
and you would think of everyone you ever met,
that you would be the invisible passenger,
quiet in the car, moving through the night,
forever, with the beautiful thought of home.

abnormal

Okay, so I went to see a counsellor today after the doctor visit (which was necessary because I had to walk out of my exam half-way yesterday.) so these are all things that have never happened to me before, and me experiencing all these 'unusual things' for the first time. BUT NO. today my mom tells me that my parents brought me to see a psychologist when i was young because i was doing strange things like cutting my hair with scissors (how is this strange??)and other weird things (that she cannot remember but things which prompted them to bring me to the hospital) WOW MASSIVE REVELATION. HOW COME I DONT REMEMBER? i remember breaking my chin after intense jumping from benches, i remember climbing all surfaces, i remember getting yelled at for wearing nail polish to school, i remember standing in front of the class for the whole lesson because the teacher thought i was being cheeky (it was a major misunderstanding)i remember 'running away' for a few hours, i remember stealing trivial things, i remember doing awful things with my classmate's artwork, i remember getting sent out of class for changing the wall-paper during computer class, i remember breaking a necklace that belonged to the school and running around finding a replacement, i remember my mom being furious because she got a warning letter from the police because i made prank calls to them (and 995. haha this is my most favorite badass memory) (most importantly, all those incidents that took place in singapore involved some higher authority scarring my childhood memories with unwarranted scoldings :S ) strict disciplinarian system is unkind to 'not-so-obedient' children. and i was nowhere near being truly mischievous. BUT PSYCHOLOGIST SERIOUSLY? pretty sure someone random person must have told my folks that I was not 'normal' UGH. but i am not. if normal is conforming to THIS society's normal standards, i am definitely not. meow, small society problems. unable to conform problems. not intelligent problems. too weird problems.

mandatory

the customary exam post.

the body craves sleep and the eye is begging for some rest. but there are hundreds of pages of notes waiting to be read... for the first time.

Okay, point of this post was to remember today. Felt very loved in general<3 a very, nice feeling even though my brain tells me that i probably dont deserve it. but i am thankful. for humans near and far. i am content; i am content that i have managed to grow and maintain my friendships :)

thought of my grandfather and how amazing he was.

perhaps you dont have to change the world or make yourself famous and help tons of people; as long as you can make a solid difference in someone's life, your life on this earth would have been a meaningful one. inspiring humans.

(never let the world make your heart cold)

maybe i am not ready~

it takes alot of strength and a great effort to believe that everything happens for the best.

I am happy, to have a support group. I am happy that I am slowly learning to open up.
It is tiring to put up a strong front all the time. the happy, strong, 'my life is perfect' facade.

Crossing my fingers for the next few months to be fantastic. I have plans all drawn up in my mind.
It is about time, I get down to action to work on my life.

20 is the age where one should be energized, at the peak of youth with energy and endless optimism (still mired in reality) to face the world. I want to be that 20 year old. I want to look back on this year, and be really really content and amazed :)

URGH.

note to self:
inability to express myself in words, in a language is kinda frustrating.

All advice regarding this 'weakness' has been the same: read more, write more.

WRITE DOWN YOUR THOUGHTS, OPINIONS ETC.

ANCHOR

sudden thought that struck me so hard that i felt i had to express it in words immediately~
religion grounds me. I am of course, thoroughly not, or even nowhere near being fully educated or informed about my religion.
But a belief in God, definitely has been such an amazing anchor for me. I definitely find solace in confiding, praying because of faith.

And then I thought of Lamo, a friend I made in Ladakh. She is buddhist (as most of the Ladakhis are). But she told me how she lost faith in God after something tragic happened in her life. I genuinely didn't know how to respond. Maybe if I were in her situation, I would have done the same....?

~~

Sincerely frustrated with inhumane comments etc. I cannot, cannot believe how immature people are. How every single human being deserves equal respect and kindness etc. You don't treat someone differently because of their occupation,intelligence level, race,religion,nationality etc.
I felt so hopeless and helpless when I read/observed horrifying behaviour from people. It's not even about criminals etc. ordinary human beings, members of the public.

Losing faith in human race. Losing faith in certain, particular humans. I get so, so affected at any kind of derogatory comment.
I am obviously nowhere near treating everyone equally. But I consciously remind myself that I should. It is mandatory.

have never,ever felt so strongly about these things before.
and i'm struggling to find like-minded individuals who would share such sentiments with me. this is me being too sensitive, i know. but to me, it is important.
it pains me to be in conversations where individuals take pleasure in mindlessly criticizing someone for something that they didn't even choose to do.
am suddenly reminded of rowan atkinson's argument about criticizing race and religion. his article said we shouldn't criticize someone based on race because it is not something they choose. No one chooses where they are born or the colour of their skin. so it is pointless/completely invalid and silly to criticize someone for something they had no choice. But since religion is a choice, we should be able to criticize openly.

not sure whether i even agree with his point.
BUT but IT IS SO DEMEANING TO CRITICIZE/CONDEMN someone so easily. ugh ugh ugh.

~~~~

like-minded souls do sometimes flock together. i am thankful for those few.

vagary~ crushed blue diamonds of the morning sky

fleeting moments of extreme emotions
I want to remember
these precious times
that
make us human

'the beautiful heart i shall seek'

~~

i feel like i am soaking in this warm tub of melancholy
i wouldn't say it is unpleasant
but it feels like my skin and soul are all shriveled up
and i look at the world with such different perspectives.
I want to remember these times I feel like my thoughts are maturing and ageing. I don't necessarily like it; because I think naivety kept me happier. But it was a shallow kind of happiness and that ignorant bliss is definitely not enough to sustain a life.
~~

things i have thought about/conversed/considered carefully about this week

1. i am pro-choice when it comes to abortion and i think rick santorum had a part to play with his extreme statement
2. pain is temporary. glory is temporary. sadness, happiness and everything is temporary.
3. try to be the person i've always wanted to be
4. beautiful hearts are inspiring
5. ~~~~ certain human(s)

my feet will not stay on the ground

my restless soul
seeks.

(today, more than ever, i am convinced that there is something so incredibly inspiring and amazing about people who are beautiful on the inside. and the only friends/people I admire are those who are so unbelievably kind and generous and self-less.)

(take your mean words and go away.)

it's a heart, beating.

been busy growing up, dealing with emotions.

mind jumble crumble

'the supreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved; loved for ourselves say rather than loved in spite of ourselves'

if i may add my tiny negligible bit of thought into this brilliant quote, the most important thing is to love yourself first before others do.

have been battling the most insane, intense kind of jaded melancholy and angst and other unwarranted emotions that make me feel very, very miserable in general. didn't let it out, because i thought it was a process i had to go through myself. Understanding your own pain, sadness etc. a process where you learn to cope with negative emotions that make us human, that make us vulnerable.

Anyway not to say that life's gotten better, but have been a little busy drowning with my assignment right now; hence i haven't been that affected~~

But today's longass lunch conversation has sparked a little bit of clarity which is slowly paving the path to light in my cluttered, confused mind.

At the end of the day, we all seek to be happy/satisfied with ourselves. No matter how happy others are for you, it is essential and almost mandatory that you feel pleased with yourself/your work/ your life in general.
This happiness we seek has to be internal - it has to be derived deep within oneself. deep within.
and the mistake i feel like i have been making is that i am striving to derive this happiness and this sense of validity from external sources. yes of course, society shapes A LOT of our beliefs and ideals etc. it is an inevitable part of life, something which i believe is impossible to oppose.

But comparisons in all aspects of life kills inner contentment.

If I ever start comparing myself and my lack of 'achievements/successes' in life with my friends/people/acquaintances, i can never stop. i will never be able to stop. it will be this negative spiral where i will have no self esteem left to even face this world.
comparisons are inevitable. they are even necessary at some points, but i want to remember the fact that the times i felt the greatest satisfaction in life were when i reaped the fruits of my labour, and when i realised the expanding boundaries of my potential.

I dont even know what is the point of me writing all this down, but i feel like it gives me some clarity. I need to be happy and I need to work hard to feel proud of myself.

I am hoping that this sudden sense of clarity will help me with my assignment, with my ability to deal with my feelings and of course my ability to express my feelings in appropriate situations and the ability to accept things that happen in my life graciously :)

The supreme happiness of life, indeed.

finding heyday glory

easy to forget the good moments when online documentation of life only seems appealing during depressing times.
so here's to things that i am eternally grateful for <3


Grateful for technology and grateful for our precious friendship :) and 3hour long chats!!!!!






(reuniting like we were never apart!!!!!!)





(hehe, what discovering random camera apps and accidentally taking a pic creates)

(CHANT: NOBODY CAN MAKE YOU FEEL INFERIOR WITHOUT YOUR PERMISSION.
AND REPEAT TILL YOU CAN NEVER FEEL INFERIOR)

applied this to driving, am now a confident driver when I come back from school during peak hours and also confident enough with overtaking/lane changing etc.
and maybe parking too!!!!!
+1

(and that's possibly the only thing that makes me happy with myself for now.)

funny how the above pics consist of a friend from different periods of my life!!! sec sch era is missing though :(

red blood

so maybe it is now time to shed the stoic image

I am now painfully aware of the fact that my future is not that bright after all. I finally understand the whole fuss about 'do not rest on your laurels' although there have been no 'laurels' per se, but overcoming certain obstacles in the past is definitely no trump card for a bright future.

I mean, i should take comfort in the fact that even now things are within my control (albeit, to a limited extent) and I can change things to hopefully get a glimpse of a more palatable future but ...

don't even know what to say/do/think anymore. confiding and seeking help only makes me more vulnerable, only makes everything seem more real than ever. Now I know the tragedy of this situation, and letting someone else know just makes it doubly true.

~~

and then I have extraneous thoughts that distract me to no end. thoughts that uselessly unleash fluttery beings in my tummy and make the corners of my lip curl lightly. but thoughts that will probably only remain in this mind, as pure imagination :(

~~

have told myself two million times to NOT let external factors/influence make me feel any lousier than I already do.
'nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission' RMB!!!!
But then i am clearly not at peace with myself (at war!!!!!!). anyhow, it would be wise for my mental well-being to rmb that I should focus on things that I have control over. FOCUS DAMN HARD ON THOSE THINGS.
and just hope/pray for external factors to go along smoothly. why worry incessantly about things I cant control over? Like the weather, strangers, friends etc.

~~

it would be nice if i could influence a certain factor though ;)
sigh, why do i even try.

nonexistent

how to measure self-worth?
20 and more foolish than ever. Wish I had the drive/common sense I had when I was 12.

NOTE TO SELF:
life is always about a choice. WHO BUYS A MINUTE'S MIRTH TO WAIL A WEEK?
stop the irresponsible behaviour, grow up.
Remember that anything you want, (you set your mind to) can be done. Captain of your own life, steer it in the right direction!!!!!!
Jan is over, resolutions broken, hopes destroyed.
But all is not lost; everything happens for a reason.
Gotta start behaving like someone I can respect.

In pain, we find drive.



maybe in death
maybe through death
we will find this misery insignificant

you call this life

Too much to say.

Have had enough of reckless drinking and its irritating after effects that destroy my stomach for the next few days. It is stupid.
I wish I had enough insight before. But I guess I needed those experiences to teach me.life's painful lessons. We live and we learn. I am trying.

Nothing good came out of this weekend. So i've attended two 21sts so far. I am not too sure about what I want to do for mine yet. Actually, I think I have become really jaded lately. No more optimism, fire, drive. everything is too transient for its own good.
or maybe it's sudden and rapid 'growing up' and realizing certain truths in life. I feel like I have lived my past 19 years on earth wrongly. nobody is perfect, everyone has feelings; good and bad, people change, true love doesn't exist, humans are selfish creatures, but humans can also be fantastic at times,looks shouldn't matter- but they do, every memory/feeling is too transient, we are all human.

It's been a mind-numbing week for my inner child. I don't how long this feeling of emptiness will last. Hoping to discover some meaning and drive tomorrow.

To a better week :)